When we bought a new car a few months ago, and the new car was much bigger than the old car, I never actually realized that one day I might have to park it.

I think I figured I would just keep riding around in the big new car and then if I needed to go to a restaurant and order some free-range, organic, grass-fed, locally grown asparagus, it would park itself. If I had to go to the dry cleaner to pick up my sustainably cleaned, natural-fibered, environmentally sound, ecologically pure pants, I figured I could just use the drive-through window if there was a drive-through window.

If there wasn’t, I could just drive by really slowly.

With all the new technology in cars today, I figured, why couldn’t the new car park itself?

Self-parking cars shouldn’t be any more difficult to create or technologically advanced than cars that tell you the name of the song and the singer you are listening to on the free-range organic satellite car radio and beverage warmer.

Apparently, we did not buy that kind of car.

This car we did get, we have to park ourselves, and parking has never been my strength.

Consequently, I had hoped that parallel parking was prohibited, even among consenting adults. I had hoped that the only parking I would have to do was parking in shopping mall lots the size of Pennsylvania. I thought I could handle that.

Turns out, I’m not much good at perpendicular parking either. Parking a perpendicular just seems so cumbersome and I have a lot of difficulty getting a perpendicular between those white lines.

Parallel parking is, of course, much worse.

It’s difficult to spell parallel. You never know where all the Ls go.

Then I can never find a space big enough, preferably three times as big as my vehicle if the vehicle I am driving is a semi-truck.

I also don’t like parking between a German-made car and a French-made car, in case a new war breaks out.

When I finally find an appropriate spot, I try to move up alongside the car right in front, very, very close, until I find out there is somebody trying to get out of that very, very close car.

I then check my rear-view mirror and my driver-side mirror. I also check my bathroom mirror to make sure I look good in case I bang into the car behind me and will need a mug shot taken.

I put the vehicle in reverse. I look over my right shoulder to assess the space once again. I check over my left shoulder to make sure the street behind is clear of traffic so there will be no one giggling.

Then I look over my right shoulder again and turn the steering wheel hard right. Or is it hard left? Or is it semi-soft in the middle?

I begin executing my S-turn.

I find myself perpendicular to the parallel.

I start again.

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