Your call is important to us.

All right, it’s not nearly as important to us as it is to you because, frankly, we have all the time in the world and you would probably much prefer to go take a nap, do a crossword puzzle or download cute cat videos.

Still, for quality assurance purposes and because we may replay it while we’re at the bar after work if it’s really amusing, this call may be monitored. On the other hand, it may not be, so you’re not going to know one way or the other but you should be on your toes, anyway, just in case.

If we do monitor and you would like a transcript of the conversation, please press 1. If you just want the outline, including the condensed best parts with the big laugh lines, please press 2.

OK, let’s get started.

To assure the security of this call, please say or key in the maiden name of your mother’s dog.

Speak clearly. Don’t stumble. Enunciate. Turn off the music in the background. No coughing.

If your mother didn’t have a dog, say the name of the street you lived on when you first discovered that your mother wouldn’t get you a dog.

Did you say glrrwbvsr?

OK, let’s start again.

Instead of a dog, did you at least get a lizard? Please say or key in your 14-digit ID number, which you can find on the form just above your 12-digit processing number and across the hall and down the block from your 15-digit delivery number.

The number should begin with a letter. If it doesn’t begin with a letter, you will need to say glrrwbvsr again, this time in public, at a lectern, and backwards. It’s possible you also may have to be half-naked while you do this.

Whatever you do, don’t pause while you’re saying the number so that we think you’ve actually stopped while, in fact, you’re just catching your breath.

OK, let’s start again.

Please say or key in the reason you are calling, as long as it is one of the three acceptable reasons for calling. Those include checking your account balance, refilling a prescription or that your lizard is on fire.

Did I get that right? Do you really want to refill your lizard?

OK, let’s start again.

Please say or key in the name of the account holder. The account holder could be you, your spouse, your auto insurance agent or the spouse of your auto insurance agent. Press 3 if the account holder has an unpronounceable eastern European name with lots of consonants.

OK, let’s start again, but this is your last chance before we hang up, download some cute kitten videos and cancel your account.

Please say or key in the name of the current second baseman for the Chicago Cubs.

We’re sorry. The number you have reached is not in service. Please try again.

 
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