Stocks fell yesterday, on rumors that stocks were likely to fall today, sending the market into a tizzy.

The steep decline was fueled by a steep decline in tizzies, the looming budget crunch in Washington and a sharp drop in Twizzler prices, which sent candy stocks lower in heavy trading as Kit-Kat Bars split.

Nevertheless, the market recovered from an earlier slump with a later slump, with stock investors taking the news of an economic showdown with China very badly, and occasionally screaming in pain.

It was the fourth straight day that stocks had fallen, which came right after the six straight days that rain had been falling. Analysts said the precipitation had precipitated a rush away from tech stocks and into umbrellas.

Despite reports that the Federal Reserve was buying up large amounts of treasury bills and hiding them in the medicine cabinet and under the bed, three-month notes sank to a year’s low of 3.1415, which is close enough to pi that strawberry and rhubarb futures rose in reaction.

Chip makers Intel, Wise and Frito-Lay reported that austerity in Europe had led to a sharp weakening in ridges, leading to a drop in second-quarter revenue but a glut of mango salsa.

Other companies, particularly in the financial and dry cleaning sectors, reported profits weaker than analysts expected and suggested throwing water balloons at any analysts they could find.

In response, the analysts said they remained quite happy to be called analysts and not consultants, because now you can make more money that way and some of it may even be deductible.

They were also optimistic about being able to continue to offer analysis during the fiscal year’s third quarter despite never actually having been correct about the stock market or the broader economy since the spring of 1947.

In Asia and Europe, trading was down, since most people were sleeping or watching bad television, while in New York, the Battery was down while the Bronx was up 43 points to a new yearly high of 44.

Billionaire investment guru Warren Buffett set a gloomy tone before the market opened, opting to order the prix fixe menu rather than the buffet.

At the closing bell, the Dow Jones Industrial Average was beating the crap out of the NASDAQ, 1,283 to 799, with less than two minutes to go in the final quarter and no timeouts left.

The broader Standard & Poor’s Index lost nearly three percent of its value, although it thinks it might have left it at the office or dropped it in the car when it was trying to change the radio station.

The index is in its longest slump since the summer of ’09, when it took up switch-hitting.

Analysts said they saw it coming.

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