Dear Fortunate Credit Card Offer Recipient,

In recognition of how you have carefully handled your financial affairs, only occasionally forgetting that you left your credit card in the ATM machine, we’d like to invite you to join a select group of people who are pre-approved for this offer.

Not everybody can be in this group — just those who have a mailing address or who can eat and walk at the same time. Congratulations on the financial achievements that have qualified you for entry into this elite group!

Now that we’ve gotten our first exclamation point out of the way, we are confident you will recognize the distinct advantages of this offer, even though it is pretty much the same offer as the previous 17 other credit card offers you received in the mail last week.

This one, however, also uses double exclamation points!!

If you accept our offer, you will receive the following features with your new card:

  •  A low introductory fixed APR if you can tell us immediately what the letters APR stand for.
  •  Unsurpassed savings opportunities on all purchases you make between now and 2:13 Tuesday afternoon.

After this introductory period, you will continue to save, with a low variable APR on all your purchases that is based on Derek Jeter’s on-base percentage plus the 30-day T-bond rate, as it appears in The Wall Street Journal, but only if you take home delivery. This low variable APR is currently 105 percent.

  • An even lower introductory fixed APR on balance transfers that is really fixed only if you understand the word “fixed” to mean the same as in “that basketball game was fixed.”

With balance transfer, you can transfer a total of three balances from other accounts, as long as you know the secret password and remember how to do the limbo. All you have to do is write down the numbers of your other accounts and tell us which numbers go with which accounts and when is the best time to telephone you right during the middle of your dinner.

  • 24-hour dedicated card member service.

If you have a problem with your card, you can call us during working hours. Those hours vary and are not consecutive, so please check your owner’s manual. Please don’t call us during our dinner.

When you call, our dedicated team of representatives will make sure that the voice mail menu keeps you company while we are busy calling other people.

With your new card, you will have all the financial flexibility you need, until you miss one payment, and then we will also start calling you early in the morning and follow you to the Bahamas even when you’re on vacation.

Have we mentioned that you’re pre-approved?