My initial public offering is, in fact, my initial. It’s H.

It stands for Howard. I am not proud.

It already has been offered to people who are stuck with Harold and Harvey, but so far, no one has bought shares.

Consequently, in consultation with my investment advisers, the firm of Larry, Curly & Moe, I am making this a public offering, with the understanding that if you all get together and buy lots of shares, I will be able to go back to Paris next fall and this time stay in a hotel where the room is big enough so that I can open the closet door.

This IPO signals a rapid evolution for my initial, which in just a few years has gone from an indecipherable occasional scrawl on my credit card receipts to a carefully articulated centerpiece for my driver’s license renewal.

We believe investor demand is strong, based on previous initial public offerings of the letters M and P. Those letters are now both bigger than GM and are closing in on U, S and A.

As a bonus for early investors, we are throwing in the period along with the initial, which we believe marks a new milestone in the history of punctuation as well as signatures.

Those who get in on the ground floor on this initial public offering are likely to do significantly better than those who have to take the elevator. The P/E ratio — or period-to-earnings relationship — continues to make progress as our technology improves and we learn how to text using all 10 fingers.

During the development of my initial, profit margins have remained steady, mainly since we haven’t been able to balance our checkbook since the summer of 2007.

If you invest in my initial, you will be joining a host of others who have committed to the letter H, including many in the Spanish-speaking world who think they are using J.

Nevertheless, we understand that by buying shares in this initial public offering investors are exposing themselves to the risk posed by a relatively insignificant letter that has somewhat limited value in Scrabble, and that usually needs a double word square to amount to anything. We are committed, however, to working with other initials, particularly C and T, to find ways we can access the growing market for triple words.

Furthermore, money raised in this initial public offering will be used to expand our R & D department, not to mention our growing acronym subsidiary. And we will focus on prioritizing the monetizing of letters impacting the deciphering of sentences such as this one.

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, at least until the next one comes in on Tuesday. You can be part of this, although you should know that even after my initial goes public, I will still maintain majority control of H, particularly when I am signing credit card receipts or renewing my driver’s license.

 
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