Several weeks ago, I wrote a column about the U.S. Supreme Court finding, in a 5-4 split decision, that the U.S. Constitution was unconstitutional.

This was not true.

It was really a 6-3 decision.

No, that’s not exactly right either.

In fact, the entire column was pulled from whole cloth, a light blue tattersall pattern, actually. In other words, I made it all up.

This is what we humor columnists do. We have no other choice.

Back in the old days, jokes were abundant, and we would harvest them every season, using huge woven sacks made from punch lines while we worked through the groves and merrily sang traditional humor columnist field songs.

Sometimes, jokes just dropped out of trees, particularly when they were fully ripe, occasionally hitting us on the head and knocking us unconscious. This was the root of the comedic term, “knock ‘em dead.”

But ever since demographic change, over-harvesting and the near-extinction of jokes on our western frontier, we haven’t been able to rely anymore on just finding clever witticisms.

We’ve had to grow our own.

The Supreme Court column was admittedly a complex attempt at a new hybrid species, the humor column that almost might be true and could be true, if you weren’t paying close attention and were fiddling with the TV remote trying to find the mute button.

Despite multiple column references I had put in to legal precedents such as Larry v Curly, apparently you weren’t.

Many readers contacted me to ask if the column was actually true and to congratulate me on scooping NBC once again.

Some also wanted to know if the Jumble really was a hidden New Testament code and if they should really “hold their horses,” like the horoscope told them to do even if they don’t have any horses. Would it be a good idea to get some horses, particularly if they were Gemini (May 21 – June 20)?

Of course, some of those who contacted me said they knew all along, yes, they really did, that the column really wasn’t true, but it was their aunt who wasn’t so sure and they just wanted to check.

Some of them wanted to know what Justice Antonin Scalia possibly could have been thinking when he wrote the majority opinion in the decision and why Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg threatened to pop him in the forehead.

I am sorry for all the confusion. If any of that confusion remains, let me say clearly here once and for all that the Supreme Court did not declare the U.S. Constitution unconstitutional. It’s only heard oral arguments in the case and is waiting for harvest season before making a decision.

 
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