WASHINGTON — In a 5-4 split decision, the U.S. Supreme Court today found that the U.S. Constitution was unconstitutional.

The decision was a stunning rebuke to the Obama administration, which had argued that America, bigger than it ever was, needed a really large law to govern itself.

Despite the administration’s claim that nearly 32 percent of U.S. citizens were without laws and frequently had to resort to nasty comments on blogs and websites, the court decided that having a Constitution is a personal decision and shouldn’t be forced on anybody.

Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia said that, “this nation was founded on the principle that we don’t want to read or abide by documents that are longer than most stories in USA Today. Americans are understandably wary of any so-called law that includes more than seven words with which they are unfamiliar.”

Scalia, considered a constitutional “originalist,” noted that Christopher Columbus, when he discovered America, “didn’t have a Constitution or a GPS to guide him, and he did OK, didn’t he?”

The decision, which appeared to expand the role of talk radio in settling disputes, reverses a long history of legal precedent, including the landmark decision Larry v. Curly that had generally kept us all from hitting each other on the forehead.

Splitting along ideological lines, as expected, the court based its decision on a broad interpretation of the Ninth Amendment, mainly because none of the justices could remember exactly which one that was. They were, however, all in agreement that it probably came after the eighth one.

Scalia was joined in the majority by Chief Justice Roberts and Justices Alito, Thomas and Kennedy, who celebrated their victory by singing Queen’s “We are the Champions.”

Kennedy had been thought to be the swing vote on the court, but aligned himself with the majority, he said in a separate opinion, “because now that we all have Google, iPhones and Siri to answer all our questions, there doesn’t really seem to be a need for a Constitution anymore.”

In a stinging dissent, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg wrote that the Constitution is just as essential today as it ever was.

“If we don’t have the Constitution, our legal system will be controlled by those who can buy their own laws and really know how to use the word ‘whereas,’” the justice said. “Which is, of course, exactly what we have now, but even more so and it all may only be on cable.”

Ginsberg was joined in her dissent by Justices Breyer, Sotomayor and Kagan, who promised to continue the fight for a Constitution even if they have to hit the other justices right in the middle of the forehead.

 
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