My fellow Americans, as well as some friends I still have in France, most of whom still owe me an email: I am here today to report on the state of my union.

My union is strong, although, admittedly, we continue to face significant challenges. After 41 years of our union, we still cannot believe we are old enough to have been married 41 years.

The state of my union is strong because we have endured the tough times.

Together, we have worked our way through 10 household moves, two children, the three times I’ve lost my wallet and immediately blamed my wife for it and the six times my wife decided to change her clothes right before we were leaving to go to a party.

We have endured because despite our differences and our opposing views on hummus, we have found common ground: we both agree that most of the time I’m wrong, even when I might occasionally be right.

Through our perseverance, we have a litany of achievements we can celebrate today, including the time we worked together to re-pot the big living room plant, and remembered to water it.

Yet we arrive today at a critical time in our union. Our children are off by themselves and we must now be able to decide who we’re going to nag if they are not around.

It is clear then what is the defining issue of our time: whether or not we use the bedroom ceiling fan at night, and should it be clockwise in the winter and counter-clockwise in the summer? Or maybe it’s the other way around.

I am confident, though, that we can do this and find a way forward if we work together and refrain from leaving the dishes in the sink and the light on in the bathroom.

We can do it because we’ve done it before, even though it’s difficult to remember when, or what I was thinking when I agreed to help clean the humidifier.

But innovation is what our union has always been about. We were, in fact, among the very first unions in our neighborhood to buy Japanese eggplant in the supermarket.

And like the American people, we know what the right choice is.

We know we need to simplify our tax preparation system so that half the medical receipts are not in the meat bin of the refrigerator and the other half in the back of the bathroom medicine cabinet when we have to do our taxes.

Finally, though, none of this can happen unless we lower the temperature in the bedroom. We have to end the notion that the two parties involved in this union must be locked in a perpetual camp of mutual thermostatic destruction.

I pledge that if my wife is cold, she can simply use more blankets.

We must also build consensus around common-sense ideas, like closing the window a little bit more.

Thank you, God bless you, and gesundheit, too.


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