I’d like to add you to my professional network.

I don’t actually have a professional network, but if I did, I’d like to add you to it.

I realize you may have absolutely no idea who I am, what I do or how I was able to get your email address. Well, that’s why I’m a professional.

And right now you’re probably wondering as well if I somehow also may have gotten your credit card number.

Let me assure you that all I’m really interested in is annoying you with an endless stream of email messages asking you to join my professional network. That’s my focus.

(In the meantime, though, if you really want to send me your credit card numbers, that would be OK. Please make sure the expiration date still has a ways to go and make sure to give me those three little digits on the back, too, whatever they are and whatever they mean, as if the 16 numbers on the front of the card aren’t enough.)

I know you have a lot of questions, such as how many digits are there really in pi? And does it matter?

To answer the other questions I’m sure you have, my professional network is composed of like-minded professional networkers who are devoted to social media as an efficient way to make contact with other professional networkers who also have too much time on their hands and are trying to avoid real work.

Why might connecting with me be a good idea? My connections, if I had any, could be useful to you, particularly if you find yourself alone on a Saturday night and really want to watch a movie but don’t want to see “27 Dresses” again.

By joining my professional network, you also will be eligible for an array of benefits, including links to funny cat videos and free health care, as long as you get sick while watching a funny cat video and can prove it.

You also will receive a guidebook on what cutting things to say to people who keep checking their smartphones while you are talking to them.

Most important, once you join my professional network, you will then be able to grow your own professional network and send out endless emails asking other people whom you have only vaguely heard of to join your professional network.

In just a few short months, my professional network has grown from just me to me and several others, some of whom may be dogs, because on the Internet you never know, and many of whom inadvertently hit “send” when they got this email rather than “delete.”

Since they fulfilled the minimum requirement, they’re in.

And as you know, once you’re in, you’re in, unless you are willing to pay the penalty for early withdrawal. That penalty is you get endless offers to join my Facebook page, too.

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