Why do you say “frequently asked questions” rather than FAQs, like all other websites do?

This is not a full-fledged website or even a half-fledged website. It is a blog. It is a limited blog. You can’t link to a Wikipedia entry about pistachio nuts or how to win at computer solitaire because I don’t know how to do links yet. You are stuck here, and most likely will get ink on your fingertips. BTW, this blog is also morally opposed to the use of acronyms and abbreviations in titles.

Have any interviewees been harmed in the construction of this column?

No. We only use hypoallergenic subjects and no experimentation is allowed for use in this column, except, occasionally, I may ask my wife if she thinks something is funny. Most of the time, she doesn’t.

Where do you get your ideas for the column?

You have to cultivate them, and assuming the deer haven’t gotten to them, they are generally only available in-season. You do have to remember to water them regularly and pile on a lot of manure.

Occasionally, though, I do find them out there in the street, jiggling their cups, begging for a handout and a few words of advice. I tell them I’ve given at the office.

How do you know if something is funny?

If someone laughs, unless it’s my wife, that’s a good sign. If she laughs, then I know I’ve probably stolen the joke from someone.

How do you get the column?

To get the column, generally speaking, you have to be conversant with pop culture, references to obscure 1960s music, getting older and creakier and an inability to set the alarm on your digital clock radio while remembering to make sure it’s a.m. and not p.m. If that doesn’t work, use your GPS.

Can I transfer credits from other readings to this column?

The ability to read, say, Shakespearean sonnets does not necessarily make you capable of understanding pentameter that is not iambic or iambics that are not pentameters or, in fact, to make sense of this entire sentence.

Are reservations needed?

The column is first-come, first-served. Unless it’s last-hired, first-fired. Or it could be feed-a-cold, starve-a-fever.

How long does a column take?

It’s arduous work. It could take hours. Writing them also takes a long time.

Who is your ideal reader?

I generally prefer people who can read.

What are the requirements for admission?

I generally prefer people who can read.

When you are writing a column, do you have a deadline?

Yes. It’s now.

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