As the presidential race really begins in earnest, which is a small town in South Carolina, I think it’s time you knew more about my economic policies. I also think it’s time I knew more about my economic policies.

My economic policies are based on hard-won, solidly established, bed-rock principles that I learned many years ago while sleeping through freshman economics class. They have not been tainted by my having had to sit in the front row of the class where I would have had to act like I was alert even though it was an 8 o’clock class.

To show my commitment to a new America, these principles include a whole slew of numbers that are multi-ethnic and extremely diverse, even if they don’t have any zeroes. They are quite simple, yet still designed to impress you so much that you won’t continue to send me letters asking me to donate again to a charity I’ve never heard of.

Most of all, my economic policies are designed to get this country moving again, although I wouldn’t recommend that if we have to go through O’Hare Airport in Chicago, particularly during the winter. Driving in West Virginia is not good either, particularly in hunting season.

In developing my economic policies, I have consulted with some of the finest economic minds in the country, including my own personal financial advisers, the Huey, Louie and Dewey Equity Group. They are unwilling to duck the key issues and agree that a sound economic policy must be based on the following core values:

— Don’t try to balance your checkbook while writing with a pen when you’re riding in a bus.

— When you are paying by credit, always remember that credit is actually really money, too, although it doesn’t look like it.

— If you are a man who leaves his wallet in his back pocket, don’t be surprised when your bank card is curved.

— Don’t spend what you don’t have, unless it’s something you really want and you can convince yourself that you will save the needed money by cutting back on organic mayonnaise and deducting for the stations you don’t watch very often while paying your cable bill.

— Don’t make believe you really understand what amortize means.

— When buying something, don’t round down to half of the price just because the number is easier to divide.

— Try to think of paying all your bills in Euros, because it won’t seem like real money.

— Don’t put your own photo on your credit card. Don’t put my photo on it, either.

It’s no secret that our economy has struggled in recent years, frequently falling behind in the first quarter and having to play catch-up by shooting more three-point shots in the second half. What we need is a sound new economic plan that everyone can get behind.

If you find one, let me know.

 
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