Thank you for calling your local pharmacy. Our menu options have recently changed, so please pay careful attention because we’re likely to change them again during this call, and you will have to start all over again from the beginning.

Ooops, our menu options have changed again. We’re now serving gluten-free bread, but please continue anyway.

If you’re a physician, a laboratory, a rock musician in an indie band or a left-handed urologist, please press 1. That will take you back to the spiel about menu options where you may decide to get the prix fixe dinner instead.

If you want to renew a prescription, and you know all the side-effects that the prescription can cause you, including dry mouth and death, please press 2.

If those side effects are not something that will cause you to contact a sleazy personal liability lawyer who advertises on cable television late at night, please press 3.

If you still want to renew your prescription, please key in or say the last four digits of your Social Security number divided by your GPA during your sophomore year in college. If you are continuing to dispute the C+ you got in that introductory biology class, please press 3+.

If you decided to say it rather than key it in, be aware that the technology is not terribly advanced, and I probably misheard you and thought you said something like “Are you making spinach lasagna for dinner tonight?”

If you want spinach lasagna for dinner tonight, please press 4.

If you want your prescription co-pay to be comprehensible, and vaguely similar to the exorbitant co-pays we’ve charged you at all other times, please press 5.

If you want a completely random number for your co-pay that has nothing at all to do with your insurance plan or your prescription drug plan or your college GPA, but is still exorbitant, please press 6.

If your prescription doesn’t have any refills left and you want us to contact your health care provider, please explain why you use the term health care provider rather than “doctor.”

If you want to talk to a pharmacist about your prescription and how it interacts with your other medications, please press 7 before you start to develop an uncontrollable tic and dry mouth.

If you want us to deliver your prescription, give us one good reason why you can’t come into the store and get it yourself. If you’re just plain lazy, please press 8.

To end this call, please press 9 or continue to hang on while the rest of us go out to the movies and hit a few bars.

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