I’d like to explain why I’ve decided not to run for president and seek the nomination this year.

For one thing, I’m really busy. I have this big shopping bag filled with 1989 and 1993 tax data that I have to shred and I can only feed about three or four sheets at a time into the shredder before it gets jammed up. The only way I can un-jam it is to use a twisted paper clip to chip away at the teeth of the shredder while protecting my knuckles as best I can.

Since I am running out of knuckles, this is, consequently, a long-term, time-consuming activity that will undoubtedly prevent me from understanding what the Federal Reserve Board does and why I wouldn’t want to go to a cocktail party with most of the people serving in Congress.

Second, I don’t have that fire in my belly. Ever since that unfortunate time at the taco joint, I have been extremely careful about my diet — No habanera peppers! No lentil soup! — and made sure to eat plain yogurt before every meal, no matter how disgusting it is.

Furthermore, I also believe that actually running for president and seeking the nomination would diminish my influence on major issues I care about, like getting rid of the designated hitter rule in the American League. By staying out of the race, I believe, I will be unshackled and able to be even more active and say what I want to say, as soon as I can think of what I want to say.

Then there’s the impact on my family.

If I had decided to run, the harsh glare of invasive publicity surely would have shone on my family and my wife would have had to answer awkward questions about why she’s in favor of the death penalty for indoor plants.

My son would have to explain why he has waffled on the big issues and still, occasionally, roots for Carolina even though he went to State, and my daughter would be met with questions about her unconscionable lack of commitment in responding to my emails, not to mention my phone calls.

As you know, my family comes first, unless there’s a really good game or old movie on TV.

Finally, I have simply realized that this is not my time, since it’s much too early in the morning and I can barely find the light switch in the bedroom. I really am much better and far more coherent a little bit later, once I’ve had some coffee and found my glasses.

I know that this decision surely will disappoint some of my supporters, but I hope you will understand that there are more important things than running. There are, for instance, the ellipticals and even the stationary bike.

Advertisements