Like many of you, I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for sequential multipoint fuel injection, particularly if I actually knew what it was.

Like most Americans, variable valve control is part of my bedrock philosophy of making sure all my valves are under control.

I, too, believe in anti-whiplash front head restraints. I mean, how can you be for whiplash?

And of course, I can’t say enough about continuously variable transmission mainly because I actually can’t say enough about most parts of a car.

Nevertheless, I needed to buy one.

The old car was wheezing heavily, having difficulty going up steps and struggled trying to remember the way home, frequently needing to stop for bathroom breaks. We all knew: it was time.

The idea, at first, was to buy a used car, something that had been around the block once or twice and so, therefore, knew the block, could say hello to the neighbors and could find the way home if we got lost.

But it turns out that used cars are more than just “pre-owned.” They have actually been driven by someone else and have many of the same health problems our old car did. Also, they cost just about as much as new cars and the glove compartment frequently still has somebody else’s gloves.

So we focused on a new car.

We had very specific technical requirements: We wanted something in blue. And cheap.

My wife also wanted seat warmers. She believes firmly in the idea that seat warmers are the most important technical advance in automotive design since wheels. A vehicle, she knows, is only as good as its seat warmers. If they came in blue, that would be even better.

When we went to the dealer’s showroom to look at cars, we explained that all we wanted was blue seat warmers.

It didn’t matter if the car had a tachometer; we could count all the tachs ourselves, by hand if need be. We weren’t that concerned about engine torque, because we thought it was spelled wrong.

We just wanted a basic, plain vanilla kind of car, no sprinkles, just seat warmers.

But if we wanted it in blue, we found out, blue only came in the alloy wheel package that included rear beverage holders that actually make the beverages.

If we wanted seat warmers, they only came with a moonroof which only came with a sunroof which only came with the “all-weather package” which you only needed if you had all kinds of weather within a 48-hour period while you were driving in New Jersey.

Buying a new car, in fact, was much like subscribing to cable television, where you need to order from seven different tiers to get the three channels you want and the 379 channels you don’t.

So we began careful negotiating with the car dealership. Our vehicle will be red.

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