My fellow Americans, the budget plan I am proposing is designed to curb big spending, shore up our finances, reduce our deficit and get rid of robo calls during dinner time. Plus, you can dance to it.

This is a fiscal plan that will put us back on an even keel, even if we don’t know what a keel is. While continuing to keep tax rates at a level comparable with taxi rates, it will prevent a shutdown of major opportunities, such as occasionally going to the movies, and even maybe buying the large-size popcorn while we are there.

On the other hand, in the interest of fiscal prudence, we may have to cut back down to the medium-sized popcorn, which nevertheless remains big enough for Belgium.

Let me quickly describe the highlights of my budget plan:

Only buy Breyer’s mint chocolate chip ice cream when it’s a buy-one, get-one free special offer. Unless it’s been a really bad day and the gallon size has been medically prescribed.

Reduce spending on vegetables that didn’t exist when we were kids or have names that sound vaguely foreign.

Cut disaster assistance program by $1,289 because how likely is it that our HVAC will break down again, for the third consecutive year, on the Fourth of July when it’s 103 degrees outside?

Increase spending on products that are gluten-free so we won’t have to spend any more on gluten.

Try to avoid any additional root canal procedures, particularly on holiday weekends.

Don’t go out to dinner at restaurants where the waiter announces his name and explains that he’s here to serve us this evening when, of course, we thought he was talking to us because he was here to serve someone else.

When figuring out the tip at a restaurant, don’t round upwards just because it’s easier to figure out 20 percent than to do 15 percent and have to walk out quickly after paying.

Put in place an 0.6 percent across-the-board decrease for most domestic programs, particularly across-the-board games that have been undisturbed on the top shelf of the downstairs closet since we moved into this house eight years ago.

Add an additional $25 in emergency spending, just in case we once again get tired of having to mow the front lawn and the homeowners’ association conducts a candlelight vigil around our house and forces us to hire the neighbor’s teenage son again and overpay him for the work we should be doing.

Decrease spending in technology sector by 14.9 percent because of inability to effectively use touchpad on new laptop computer and concerns over being the last person in America not on Facebook.

I am convinced that my budget plan, which includes both spending cuts and free cupcakes for anyone who can figure out how many zeroes there are in the national debt, will be the answer. Now we just have to figure out the question.

 
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